I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
