my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
