I don't usually arrange sex via text message
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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