just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
