I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
