It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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