so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
