Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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