I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
