woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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