Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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