At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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