Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
