There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
