i wish peter jackson would direct porn
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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