can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
