Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
