Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We need to get me chipped asap
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
