i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
