How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
