everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
