i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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