This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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