I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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