So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
well you can't waste a boner
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
