Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
