Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
