hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
