that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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