Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
