You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
