He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
