guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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