I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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