Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
