seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
