He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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