Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
