When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
