She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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