there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
