you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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