You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
