He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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