my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
