well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
