Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
