Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize