Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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