I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
