Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
