so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Vodka?
Forever.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
