Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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