I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Fuck appropriateness.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
