Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
high people should be assigned attendants
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
