That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
