If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize