My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
