good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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