She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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