I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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