Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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